One of my favorite quotes, which I just found is by Heraclitus, is "You cannot step into the same river twice." One of the translations of the full quote is even better: "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man."
I have found this over and over to be true. Nostalgia, while irresistible, is painfully useless. You can never go back, because neither 'you' nor the place you were in exist anymore. (The only exception I found to this is friendship.)
I've been blogging often because I'm not enjoying myself. I have yet to have a good night's sleep. I spent four pointless nights at that hostel listening to a symphony of snores, alternately sweating and freezing, and searching for a good position on a mattress made of rock. I saw the dawn every damn night. Add to this the two first nights I spent sleeping on a friend's couch, and the night flight from Tel Aviv, and I have stretched jet lag to nearly a week. Today I moved to the backpacker part of Bangkok and splurged on more expensive lodgings, at least for a couple of days until I level out. Sleep deprivation creates a baseline of misery.
Which may explain why I'm disliking Thailand so far - but it's not only that. I am not the same man I was in previous visits, and the river doesn't look the same to me. Negatives I once glossed over loom large; temptations once entertaining are now hollow. I am (you guessed it) older.
It's not that Bangkok changed. There's no reason that it should: it's essentially a huge shopping mall + brothel with lodging, and it works. It's a successful money machine. And money is all I see in the Thai faces that see me. There is nothing but dollar signs in the eyes; no compassion, no human interest. Because I am not human to them. I am a walking wallet. They don't even hide their contempt (anymore? or am I just noticing it?) They will tolerate only two things from you: ordering and paying. If you're not planning to give them money, and with a minimum of questions, you are shit. I've seen few genuine smiles in this so-called Land of Smiles. Almost none, in fact. The Thais are sullen, short, and rude, almost hateful. Many seem angry, like they hate you for being their livelihood. All this I see now, and assuming it's nothing new, I wonder how I could have ever missed it before.
But I also see things from their side. With the exception of the rather thin middle class and the rich, which in Thailand are a small, rapacious elite lording it over the rest, most Thais are poor, struggling to make it from day to day. As dehumanizing as their attitude towards me is, I also realize why. The first thing a person in severe pain will want to know is whether or not you've got some painkillers on you. The finer distinctions of human interest and universal love are a stratum or two higher on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
It doesn't make me feel better to know this, and it doesn't even make me more compassionate towards the Thais. At least not yet. But it's something to think about as I ponder what the hell I'm doing. Thank you to all the friends who provide me with the positive perspective. Perhaps one solid night's sleep and I'll see things nicer. In the meanwhile, to show what Thai life is apart from foreigners, here's a video of cheerleader practice outside Lumpini Park:
8 comments:
Sleep well. Eat well - Act on the realization that you're older, and then leave Thailand. Even in my twenties I found Thailand to be a shitty place - from Bangkok to the islands - it's a tourist trap and nothing more.
Move on to a more hospitable place to get the trip groove on. That'll start up your engine.
BTW - when I was a waiter, I hated the people I waited on - because they were schmucks. Look around Bangkok - what are the tourists? SCHMUCKS! Even veritable ones, looking to fuck anything with an orifice...
Thailand, and Bangkok in particular, are not nice places...
"Nostalgia, while irresistible, is painfully useless. You can never go back, because neither 'you' nor the place you were in exist anymore."
Wow Raz, this is so true ... and it took me a very long time to learn it. We all need new rivers and new memories and new nostalgia; old rivers will always disappoint.
Re: "walking wallet": I am nostalgic for your last trip reports in Asia. I vaguely remember you guarding the contents of that black thing in your back pocket back then too. In this way i'm sure you will die a rich man (i surely won't).
Yes Raz, this is how I saw Thailand from the start, being older than you. It's true to some extent in any 'Third World' country (though Thailand is now middle-income)that everyone sees you as walking dollar bills; but in other similar countries I felt I could dig beneath the surface and appreciate the culture and people to a better degree.
I don't blame the Thais; they've had a longer time of putting up with, and greater numbers of, the kind of Western trash who go there for purely hedonistic reasons and act like the ignorant idiots they are. In other words, to exploit what's available. Not surprising then that the Thais exploit us in return.
Besides, the Thais have a history of extreme pragmatism, it seems to me. Neutrality, playing off one colonial power against another which made them the only nation in the whole of Asia between Afghanistan and Japan never to be colonised; and somehow managing to side with Japan in WWII without incurring the wrath of the Allies; how do they do it?
Take some ambien to fall asleep and do some hookers to make you happy.
This city is a shithole, i couldn't stand it when i was there. Remember my recommendation - Pie. It's a completely different place. Trust me on this one.
Kfir, Brian, Eyal -- thank you for putting things in perspective. This is precisely what I need friends around me for.
Dirk, I actually had ambien but left it behind; and hookers will NOT make me happy. I know we differ on this.
Julie, my trip reports, as all else, will inevitably have to be different this time too. You're reading them. But a jauntier mood will bring funnier notes, I'm sure.
Raz, I'll tell you where I'd be going if I was in Thailand right now - to Burma. To the long thin strip that runs down the isthmus towards Malaysia, on the west side where Thailand is on the east. This is full of offshore islands just like the Thai khos but without the tourists! They've only just begun to be allowed. Perfect!
I'll write more in an email.
I guess the Gaza situation won't be helping...
As Tarmilai says, Pai is better. But Burma (don't call it Myanmar, only the government calls it that)is a whole new frontier!
Hey Brian,
I don't hate tourism, just the Bangkok version of it. I've just arrived in Chiang Mai (see upcoming post), and it's just way, way milder. Burma will have to wait.
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