Before leaving

If you're reading this you're a friend of mine, so you know what it's all about.

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So here. I'm leaving on Tuesday evening. First to Bangkok.

I don't think I can put all my thoughts and feelings into words, especially since there are so many. A rollercoaster, from bright moments of optimism to flashes of pure dread (really.) I'm always anxious and tense before big moves, because I'm a natural worrier, but there seem to be differences this time.

Perhaps the biggest difference: in the past I traveled to leave, escape. This is truer the younger I was. Not so now. Let it be said loud and clear that I love my country, my life, my family, my friends. I have a good life here. There's nothing to run from, nowhere to vote against by going elsewhere.

So I've decided that this is first and foremost a trip. A simple visit to interesting places. No subtitles, no manifesto. If I like it enough somewhere to stay longer and find employment, I'll do that. If I decide I'd like it better in my own country, I'll do that. The idea that I must prove something - that I'll make a fool of myself if I don't do something grand and conclusive (why?) - is nothing but a bunch of parasitic stinkin' thinkin'.

Another: I'm more sentimental than I used to be. I think I'll miss my friends and family more than before. It might sound trivial, but to me it isn't. I've long lived with a puzzling (even to me) inability to miss people, sort of a missing circuit. Now when I say my farewells my heart hurts. When I look at my dog Stanley, it breaks. Does this mean I'm becoming a normal person?

Another: I'm not looking for excitement this time around. No need for big kicks, skirt chasing, or grand travel punchlines. In recent years I've reached more and more for that inner peace that I've always loved more than excitement anyway. I think I'll be perfectly content living the same calm, introspective, gentle life I've been living here, with the added joys of meeting new people, learning new things, etc.

I'll discover more, I'm sure. Things will look different once I land, once I lay my head to a pillow in Thailand and places beyond. And I'll do my best to let you know about it.

Let all my friends know: I love you.

- Raz